Dear Mr. President-Elector Trump,
As you flail about for B-list nobodies to perform at your Inaugural Ball (or whatever dick-joke name your team came up with), even possibly offering ambassadorships to performers willing to appear, I would like to make a small recommendation, on behalf of–well, on behalf of me, but let’s say on behalf of America.
I am a hardworking American citizen (and taxpayer, but don’t hold that against me!) with a responsible haircut and a “real job” that involves making great deals. I mean look, I’m great. Believe me.
Speaking of great deals, that reminds me! I will personally guarantee an unbelievably great Inaugural performance with me on guitar and any other instrument you may enjoy. I will personally fill the role of all those weak and sad marching bands that say they don’t want to play America back into greatness.
I will play, like, any song you want but I have to say right up front that I probably shouldn’t play any songs by the “The Nuge” because I don’t want an arrow in the balls, because I need those.
In exchange (here comes the deal part of the deal) all I want is a modest, well-paying role in your administration. I’m not going to be a total diva and demand the ambassadorship to a great nation like Russia, but just anything you have left over after you’ve poached all the greatest talent from Goldman Sachs and ExxonMobil. What about some island somewhere? Or Canada? Every great President needs a good man in Ottawa.